I Pray For You: Jaron and The Long Road to Love

My sister sent me a link to this music video after my wife left me. The message may be a little bad, but it's funny and helped me to feel better. 

Forgiveness: Part Two

Forgiving Yourself!

The most important person to be able to forgive is yourself. You can avoid others if you harbor resentment and hurt feelings, but you're stuck with you. Wherever you go, there you are! So it is important to let go of your mistakes, let go of regret, and forgive yourself.

You cannot change your past actions any more than you can change the actions of another. You have to find a way to come to peace with them and move on. Everyone makes mistakes. They're in the past though, so take whatever lessons you can learn from them, and leave them in the past where they belong.

Making Ammends

Sometimes doing something to "make things right" can help you to feel better about yourself and move on with your life. A charitable action, a gift, a good deed, or even a simple apology could help. But don't take it too far. You could spend your whole life trying to "make things right" if you let yourself get wrapped up. Allow yourself one shot, whatever it is, and then dust off your hands and call it a day.

An Effective Apology

I've been going through a particularly rough time lately with my pending divorce. During the first few days, I was a wreck. I lashed out towards some people who did not deserve it. When I had some time to think more clearly, I felt awful for my hurtful actions. I decided an apology was in order, so I wrote an apology letter. A very effective one, both for making the other people realize that I am sincere and for making me feel at peace with the situation once again.

The keys to an effective apology:

NO EXPECTATIONS! You won't get the peace of mind you want and you will not come through as sincere if you create your apology expecting some sort of action or response from the other party. Just apologize and leave the rest up to them.

HAND-WRITTEN- If you're trying to apologize to someone, there's a good chance they aren't happy to hear from you. A phone call can be ignored, an e-mail or text easily deleted, and in-person interactions can spiral out of control. A hand-written letter is unique in this day and age. If someone sends you a handwritten letter, you will read it.

ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS- Do not simply address the actions. This will come off as the forced playground apology. "I'm sorry I pushed you down...(reluctantly with mom scowling over). Take a little time to address how your actions may have affected this person. How do they feel? Address their feelings in the apology letter.

ADDRESS YOUR FEELINGS- Let them know that these actions have affected you as well. They must have, if you were so motivated to write an apology letter, but you must let them know how.

OFFER NO DEFENSE- You being defensive will only bring their defenses back up. Are you looking for their forgiveness or are you still trying to make them see things from your point of view?

After sending this letter, following these guidelines, I did not receive a response. I did not expect one, and I made that clear in the letter. I saw these people for the first time since all of this today, however, and received a heartfelt hug and a solid handshake. They expressed how much they appreciated the note I had sent. A little apology goes a long way to make everyone feel better, as long as it's truly meant. I'm sure I will never see them again, and that's fine. I think we all have come to peace here.

Forgiveness: It's More Than Saying "Sorry"

Rebellion done for it's own sake

does not a true free thinker make.

To go against for it's own sake

you're still controlled by the course that the other man takes

-Nick Hexum

 Regret and anger are often common themes in the lives of people who suffer from anxiety or depression. Another way to take a look at these would be as lack of forgiveness for yourself or lack of forgiveness for someone else. Any way you look at it, holding on to grudges, whether toward yourself or someone else, is not a healthy way to live. Letting go of those grudges and regret will help you to become a stronger and happier person.

The reasons why we withhold our forgiveness:

The main reason why people withhold their forgiveness is because they feel the other person doesn't deserve it. Well, you have to get that out of your head. The forgiveness is not for them. It is for you. Their life will go on with or without your forgiveness, will yours? You have to be willing to let go of the hurt and anger for you, so that you can move on with your life.

Holding that grudge is often an exercise of control. You say to yourself something like "I won't forgive them until they apologize" or until they do something to make amends with you or maybe just stop what it is they are doing that has you so worked up in the first place. You feel that if you give them that forgiveness, you lose all power in the situation. In fact, the exact opposite is true! You aren't controlling them with that grudge. They are controlling you. You actually have no control in this situation. You are allowing their actions to dictate how you move on with your life. (Trying to control the uncontrollable things in life is a MAJOR source of anxiety as well) Once you are able to truly forgive, you will feel better, regardless of the actions of another. THAT is power.

Now, I realize it's not always that easy. Some actions are easier to forgive than others. Forgive and forget is not realistic. You don't need to forget in order to forgive, simply move on. You must remember the things that caused you to be angry or upset (whether towards someone else or yourself) in order to make changes to avoid the same things in the future. Some of the more serious offenses will take time to forgive, but until you let go of depending on someone else to initiate that process, it won't happen and you won't be able to heal.

I have a job interview to prepare for right now so I will continue tomorrow with discussing HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF and why it is so important.