No Control

One of the things that can cause anxiety for many people is a lack of control. People don't like feeling out of control of a situation, but there are inherently many situations in life that we have no control over. The anxiety sufferer has to realize when it is necessary to let go of control. Fighting for control over someone else's actions or something that is out of your hands will cause you so much unwelcome stress and pain.

You can gain control by giving it up. When you realize that there is nothing that you can do in a situation, you can actually become empowered. Ex: In my divorce I have come to realize that I have no real ability to affect my wife's actions. At least not in the way that I want. When I realized this it brought to light that there IS in fact something that I have a lot of control over. ME. I can control my own actions. Fully and completely. When you focus in on this, you can do a world of good for yourself. Apply yourself more aggressively to the things you can control: your job, your family, friends, hobbies, and most importantly being who you are. If you take pride in being an honest person, don't let adversity change that.

Attitude of Gratitude: Facing Tough Times

My wife left me 3 days ago. I won't bore you just yet with all the details, but needless to say these are some really trying times for me. But there's always a silver lining to every dark and stormy cloud.

I have finally come to be fully grateful for my battles with anxiety. They prepared me for this, thoroughly. I always said to myself (during the hardest times) that when I came out of the other side of that dark tunnel I would be infinitely better for it. This thought was my guiding light. Seeing that vision come to fruition is infinitely satisfying. Let me explain.

This is as rough a situation as I could imagine. I was with my wife for 8 years. We were married for over 2 years (happily, I thought). This loss of my lover, wife, and best friend has been hard. I won't lie. There is no amount of positive thinking that can make this situation happy. Divorce is an ugly beast.

I did some rash things that I deeply regret during those first few days. I'm going to be honest. But not as rash as I could have been. My head really was not in a good place at first. It took a few days for me to get control back of who I really am, and to stop letting the situation change me.

But now I'm amazed with myself. Proud of myself. I'm now the person I always secretly looked up to. The person who handles stressful situations calmly and with dignity. My wife is one of these people. That is part of why I fell in love with her. I have a new perspective and it feels good. I feel that my battles with anxiety prepared me for this and allowed me to get through the depression stage of break-up more quickly. And now that the fog of sadness has left me, I am able to be me again and act with purpose. I am determined to better my life.

Initially, I was worried about my lack of emotion and reaction to the situation. It just takes time for these things to set in though. The tears did come. The sadness did come. It's tough for sure, but not nearly as tough as it could be and this is a direct result of the positive thinking strategies that I've used to get my anxiety disorder in check. I've learned to see the positive side to every negative. I've learned that how I feel in a situation is NOT a result of outside factors, but rather dictated by how I react to the situation. I can choose how I react to the outside factor in the situation. I cannot control that factor itself. By focusing on what I CAN control, I am able to achieve control over the situation. It's a beautiful thing really.

 They say everything happens for a reason. I think anxiety came into my life to strengthen me and prepare me for tough situations such as this. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm a stronger person than I was prior to all of this and for that I am eternally grateful!

"Sometimes, that's life when you see a dark road up the way,
and sometimes that's life when you gotta roll through anyway."-311

Positive Spin Part One!

Just a quick tidbit of positivity for a Saturday evening...

This is just an excerpt from a discussion I had about medication for anxiety. I suddenly got the urge to share because I realized how much this helped me when I was in this person's shoes...


The medicine just helps to make it easier not to have anxiety or depression (ideally), but there's no "magic pill." You also have to change the way you live and the way you think. It's a tough challenge, but I think you'll end up feeling like a better and stronger person when you get through it. I mean really, as depressing as all of it can be at the bottom (I know, I've been there...), seeing how HUGE of an obstacle it all seems now... just about every test you're put up to in your life AFTER anxiety/depression will seem like a walk in the park. You've lost your life, but you're going to get it back. And when you do you're going to have so much more appreciation for it. The first panic/anxiety-less day will seem brighter, happier, and more full of possibilities than any day before... Sorry, I did not intend for my reply to be so full of cheese, but really some positive spin can go a long way.

Public Speaking: Oh My!

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld 


“There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars.” ~ Mark Twain



Yesterday at work I was asked to give a speech. It had been a while since I had been asked to speak in front of a large group. I had kind of forgotten just how scary it can be! Having an anxiety disorder, I was definitely apprehensive. I was worried that I would forget my lines and look like a fool. I could say something dumb and be the joke of the workplace for weeks. As soon as it was announced that we all would have to give speeches, these thoughts started going through my head. My palms got wet and my mouth got dry. That familiar anxious feeling.

We broke for an extended lunch, giving us all time to prepare our speeches. Talking with some of the others as we left for lunch, I quickly realized that everyone was nervous about this, not just me. Some were even more nervous than I was. Oddly, this made me feel quite a bit better about it. Even the seemingly very outgoing and ultra-confident people in the group expressed that they were nervous as well. So if I stumble a little bit, it's not really a big deal. Other people are going to stumble as well, get a case of the "uhh"'s, or have the most witty, clever line they spent their whole lunch coming up with just float away into thin air as soon as they get up in front of the group. It happens.

Realizing this was a huge relief to me. I opted to scrap my note cards and just go a more extemporaneous route. The subject matter wasn't really tough. I got everything worked out in my head and was pretty confident in the material by the time I headed back to work. The anticipation however was another matter. As the time to start the speeches approached, the nerves got worse. My heart started beating faster. I started to sweat more. The lines that I had all worked out in my head began to blur together in my head more and more as time went on. I just wanted to get my speech over with. I had decided to go first, so that I could I relax with ease while the rest of the speeches commenced, but I was beaten to the punch.

The first person to go up did a great job. She still set the bar really high. Great. It was a tough act to follow, but I took a deep breath and stood up to go second. Most of the next few minutes is a hazy, distant, dream-like memory, even though it was just yesterday. I think anxiety is funny that way. It has an ability to dampen your perceptions. Although I don't remember it well, I know I did fine. I lost my train of thought at some points, but quickly picked it back up, without standing there looking like a fool. I got my point across. There was no laughter when I was finished, just the usual obligatory applause.

The feeling that you feel after you sit back in your chair after giving that ever intimidating speech is priceless! All the anxiety and nervousness just washes away. Everyone gets nervous about public speaking. Even people who you think don't appear nervous probably are. Stand-up comedians, ministers, actors, teachers, motivational speakers, TV personalities. We're all just people, and we all get nervous.

“I was sitting there hoping they wouldn’t call my name – because the idea of having to give a speech in front of everyone in the world is terrifying.” — Reese Witherspoon, on her anxiety before winning the 2006 Oscar for Best Actress for “Walk the Line.”

One of the main things that worries people about public speaking is simply the fact that their nervousness will show. We are afraid that other people will see that we are nervous. But everybody gets nervous about public speaking, so there shouldn't be any fear that somehow people will catch on your act and lose respect for you. They already know that you're nervous. If your audience was in the same situation as you, having to give that speech, they would be a nervous wreck too. We naturally tend not to realize that other people can feel the same way we do in these situations.

Anxiety has a tendency to distort our perspective on things. Generally, in public speaking situations, people tend to overestimate how apparent the symptoms of their stage-fright are to others, and to not really notice those same symptoms in other people. After a previous public speaking appearance, a much longer speech in front of a much larger audience, I was told later by many people that they could not tell I was nervous at all. I had felt like a complete wreck. I was kept up at night over the anticipation of this speech. My heart was absolutely trying to leap out of my chest all throughout the speech. I thought I must have appeared a fool, yet nobody was the wiser. That is how distorted my perception was!

Public speaking is tough. No matter who you are, it's tough. That's why more people list glossophobia (the fear of public speaking) as their number one fear than do necrophobia (the fear of death). But it's a fact of life and an obstacle that most of us have to overcome at some point in our lives. You just have to realize that it's not that bad. Your worst thoughts about it aren't going to actually happen. Your speech won't be the talk around the water-cooler for weeks to come. It will be fine, and you will feel better and stronger for having done it.

Drop Those Vices!

OK, maybe not all of them...

Most of us have some sort of vices that we often turn to in times of stress. While they seem to be relieving pressure, they often can be contributing to anxiety. A strong step toward living more stress free can often be to replace some bad vices with healthier ones. Smoking or drinking are ones that I have dealt with, and felt a lot of relief by cutting down on these things and turning to exercise as healthier alternative.

Smoking

Many people turn to smoking during times of stress. It does seem to offer temporary relief during stressful situations, but that relief quickly fades away after that cigarette is out. Shortly thereafter, it begins to actually cause stress as your body begins to crave another one. That stress will persist until you smoke again.

What you have to realize: Smoking only gives stress relief to those who are addicted. The first time you smoked a cigarette, it likely gave you more of a rush rather than a feeling of calm (after all, nicotine is a stimulant). It was not until you became addicted that it began to offer you stress relief. The reason for this is simple, the nicotine craving is the cause of the stress. You simply feel relief from the nicotine craving. Over time, this causes you to falsely associate cigarettes with stress relief because the only time you don't feel the stress of addiction is when you are smoking.

The first step to quitting, for me, was this realization. I realized that once I got over a brief period of withdrawals, and no longer craved nicotine, I would feel the same level of stress relief that came from smoking a cigarette ALL THE TIME. I will talk more later about how I quit and what that did for my life later, but for now want to get on onto the next vice.

Alcohol


Drinking a beer can be a great stress reliever. Drink a bunch of them and you won't have a care in the world... until the next day. Alcohol dehydrates your body. This is why you feel that horrible hungover feeling the next day. Your body reacts with extreme anxiety when dehydrated. Water is one of the main things your body needs to survive, so when faced with a deficit of it, it reacts with high levels of anxiety. This is your body's way of telling you to drink less alcohol and more water.
I have had some of my worst panic attacks the day after heavy drinking.

I'm not saying you should cut out alcohol altogether, but just be aware that if you already suffer from anxiety or panic attacks alcohol hangovers can be much worse for you. I drink a few beers on a regular basis. Tequila Tuesday is a regular tradition in for my family and I. Moderation is key, though, and so is hydration. Most people overlook this one major factor when they drink. Try to order a glass of water with every drink. You will feel much better the next day if you do. And avoid drinking heavily if you have anything potentially stressful to do the next day.

Caffeine

Caffeine is a stimulant, so it's probably no surprise that it can increase stress and anxiety. Cutting back on caffeine and other stimulants can drastically help someone with anxiety. Small amounts of coffee can actually reduce stress, but if you drink lots of coffee in the morning and then caffeinated soda all day long as I once did, it can be less than helpful. It, like alcohol, dehydrates your body. When I look back on some of worst bouts with anxiety, some form of caffeine was usually present. Dropping coffee, pop, tea and even cutting back on chocolate helped me out a lot.


Now that all of your favorite vices are gone what can you do? Replace them with healthier obsessions. Working out can be an awesome stress reliever and makes a great replacement for some of those vices. Focusing on getting healthy will make you feel much better about quitting smoking. Cardio workouts in the morning can also give you increased energy, much like that cup of coffee and this energy will last further into your day without the crash. Exercising causes your body to release elation-producing endorphins, increasing your sense of well-being. Make sure that you hydrate well while exercising to avoid anxiety from dehydration.

Healthy eating is also a great alternative. The healthier your diet, the better your body will feel. Poor eating habits such as skipping meals can cause anxiety to increase. Much like dehydration, hunger is stressful to your body. Eating well can also give you something to be positive about, and along with exercise can contribute to your overall sense of well being.

Cutting out unhealthy habits, eating healthier, and exercising will also just help you feel better about yourself.
You will feel better about the way you look. You will feel more capable of doing things and you will feel more confident in your everyday life.

Your body will react negatively to anything that it perceives as a threat. That's what anxiety is. Your body's self preservation mechanisms cause negative reactions to things which are harmful to it and positive reactions to things that are good for it. Live your life with this general understanding and you may find other ways to live a life free of anxiety and panic. Good luck and feel free to share them here with me!


Some good resources on the benefits of exercise as stress-relief:

Mayo Clinic- Exercise and stress: Get moving to manage stress
Natural News: How Exercise Relieves Stress and Anxiety
Active.com: 7 Ways Exercise Relieves Stress
Health.com: 12 Surprising Sources of Caffeine
Men`s Health: The Best Workouts to Relieve Stress
Panic Away: Water Helps Ease General Anxiety