My sister sent me a link to this music video after my wife left me. The message may be a little bad, but it's funny and helped me to feel better.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I Pray For You: Jaron and The Long Road to Love
My sister sent me a link to this music video after my wife left me. The message may be a little bad, but it's funny and helped me to feel better.
No Control
One of the things that can cause anxiety for many people is a lack of control. People don't like feeling out of control of a situation, but there are inherently many situations in life that we have no control over. The anxiety sufferer has to realize when it is necessary to let go of control. Fighting for control over someone else's actions or something that is out of your hands will cause you so much unwelcome stress and pain.
You can gain control by giving it up. When you realize that there is nothing that you can do in a situation, you can actually become empowered. Ex: In my divorce I have come to realize that I have no real ability to affect my wife's actions. At least not in the way that I want. When I realized this it brought to light that there IS in fact something that I have a lot of control over. ME. I can control my own actions. Fully and completely. When you focus in on this, you can do a world of good for yourself. Apply yourself more aggressively to the things you can control: your job, your family, friends, hobbies, and most importantly being who you are. If you take pride in being an honest person, don't let adversity change that.
You can gain control by giving it up. When you realize that there is nothing that you can do in a situation, you can actually become empowered. Ex: In my divorce I have come to realize that I have no real ability to affect my wife's actions. At least not in the way that I want. When I realized this it brought to light that there IS in fact something that I have a lot of control over. ME. I can control my own actions. Fully and completely. When you focus in on this, you can do a world of good for yourself. Apply yourself more aggressively to the things you can control: your job, your family, friends, hobbies, and most importantly being who you are. If you take pride in being an honest person, don't let adversity change that.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Forgiveness: Part Two
Forgiving Yourself!
The most important person to be able to forgive is yourself. You can avoid others if you harbor resentment and hurt feelings, but you're stuck with you. Wherever you go, there you are! So it is important to let go of your mistakes, let go of regret, and forgive yourself.
You cannot change your past actions any more than you can change the actions of another. You have to find a way to come to peace with them and move on. Everyone makes mistakes. They're in the past though, so take whatever lessons you can learn from them, and leave them in the past where they belong.
Making Ammends
Sometimes doing something to "make things right" can help you to feel better about yourself and move on with your life. A charitable action, a gift, a good deed, or even a simple apology could help. But don't take it too far. You could spend your whole life trying to "make things right" if you let yourself get wrapped up. Allow yourself one shot, whatever it is, and then dust off your hands and call it a day.
An Effective Apology
I've been going through a particularly rough time lately with my pending divorce. During the first few days, I was a wreck. I lashed out towards some people who did not deserve it. When I had some time to think more clearly, I felt awful for my hurtful actions. I decided an apology was in order, so I wrote an apology letter. A very effective one, both for making the other people realize that I am sincere and for making me feel at peace with the situation once again.
The keys to an effective apology:
NO EXPECTATIONS! You won't get the peace of mind you want and you will not come through as sincere if you create your apology expecting some sort of action or response from the other party. Just apologize and leave the rest up to them.
HAND-WRITTEN- If you're trying to apologize to someone, there's a good chance they aren't happy to hear from you. A phone call can be ignored, an e-mail or text easily deleted, and in-person interactions can spiral out of control. A hand-written letter is unique in this day and age. If someone sends you a handwritten letter, you will read it.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS- Do not simply address the actions. This will come off as the forced playground apology. "I'm sorry I pushed you down...(reluctantly with mom scowling over). Take a little time to address how your actions may have affected this person. How do they feel? Address their feelings in the apology letter.
ADDRESS YOUR FEELINGS- Let them know that these actions have affected you as well. They must have, if you were so motivated to write an apology letter, but you must let them know how.
OFFER NO DEFENSE- You being defensive will only bring their defenses back up. Are you looking for their forgiveness or are you still trying to make them see things from your point of view?
After sending this letter, following these guidelines, I did not receive a response. I did not expect one, and I made that clear in the letter. I saw these people for the first time since all of this today, however, and received a heartfelt hug and a solid handshake. They expressed how much they appreciated the note I had sent. A little apology goes a long way to make everyone feel better, as long as it's truly meant. I'm sure I will never see them again, and that's fine. I think we all have come to peace here.
The most important person to be able to forgive is yourself. You can avoid others if you harbor resentment and hurt feelings, but you're stuck with you. Wherever you go, there you are! So it is important to let go of your mistakes, let go of regret, and forgive yourself.
You cannot change your past actions any more than you can change the actions of another. You have to find a way to come to peace with them and move on. Everyone makes mistakes. They're in the past though, so take whatever lessons you can learn from them, and leave them in the past where they belong.
Making Ammends
Sometimes doing something to "make things right" can help you to feel better about yourself and move on with your life. A charitable action, a gift, a good deed, or even a simple apology could help. But don't take it too far. You could spend your whole life trying to "make things right" if you let yourself get wrapped up. Allow yourself one shot, whatever it is, and then dust off your hands and call it a day.
An Effective Apology
I've been going through a particularly rough time lately with my pending divorce. During the first few days, I was a wreck. I lashed out towards some people who did not deserve it. When I had some time to think more clearly, I felt awful for my hurtful actions. I decided an apology was in order, so I wrote an apology letter. A very effective one, both for making the other people realize that I am sincere and for making me feel at peace with the situation once again.
The keys to an effective apology:
NO EXPECTATIONS! You won't get the peace of mind you want and you will not come through as sincere if you create your apology expecting some sort of action or response from the other party. Just apologize and leave the rest up to them.
HAND-WRITTEN- If you're trying to apologize to someone, there's a good chance they aren't happy to hear from you. A phone call can be ignored, an e-mail or text easily deleted, and in-person interactions can spiral out of control. A hand-written letter is unique in this day and age. If someone sends you a handwritten letter, you will read it.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS- Do not simply address the actions. This will come off as the forced playground apology. "I'm sorry I pushed you down...(reluctantly with mom scowling over). Take a little time to address how your actions may have affected this person. How do they feel? Address their feelings in the apology letter.
ADDRESS YOUR FEELINGS- Let them know that these actions have affected you as well. They must have, if you were so motivated to write an apology letter, but you must let them know how.
OFFER NO DEFENSE- You being defensive will only bring their defenses back up. Are you looking for their forgiveness or are you still trying to make them see things from your point of view?
After sending this letter, following these guidelines, I did not receive a response. I did not expect one, and I made that clear in the letter. I saw these people for the first time since all of this today, however, and received a heartfelt hug and a solid handshake. They expressed how much they appreciated the note I had sent. A little apology goes a long way to make everyone feel better, as long as it's truly meant. I'm sure I will never see them again, and that's fine. I think we all have come to peace here.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Forgiveness: It's More Than Saying "Sorry"
Rebellion done for it's own sake
does not a true free thinker make.
To go against for it's own sake
you're still controlled by the course that the other man takes
-Nick Hexum
Regret and anger are often common themes in the lives of people who suffer from anxiety or depression. Another way to take a look at these would be as lack of forgiveness for yourself or lack of forgiveness for someone else. Any way you look at it, holding on to grudges, whether toward yourself or someone else, is not a healthy way to live. Letting go of those grudges and regret will help you to become a stronger and happier person.
The reasons why we withhold our forgiveness:
The main reason why people withhold their forgiveness is because they feel the other person doesn't deserve it. Well, you have to get that out of your head. The forgiveness is not for them. It is for you. Their life will go on with or without your forgiveness, will yours? You have to be willing to let go of the hurt and anger for you, so that you can move on with your life.
Holding that grudge is often an exercise of control. You say to yourself something like "I won't forgive them until they apologize" or until they do something to make amends with you or maybe just stop what it is they are doing that has you so worked up in the first place. You feel that if you give them that forgiveness, you lose all power in the situation. In fact, the exact opposite is true! You aren't controlling them with that grudge. They are controlling you. You actually have no control in this situation. You are allowing their actions to dictate how you move on with your life. (Trying to control the uncontrollable things in life is a MAJOR source of anxiety as well) Once you are able to truly forgive, you will feel better, regardless of the actions of another. THAT is power.
Now, I realize it's not always that easy. Some actions are easier to forgive than others. Forgive and forget is not realistic. You don't need to forget in order to forgive, simply move on. You must remember the things that caused you to be angry or upset (whether towards someone else or yourself) in order to make changes to avoid the same things in the future. Some of the more serious offenses will take time to forgive, but until you let go of depending on someone else to initiate that process, it won't happen and you won't be able to heal.
I have a job interview to prepare for right now so I will continue tomorrow with discussing HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF and why it is so important.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Don't Wait! Deal with it now!
As I have already discussed a little bit, I am in the process of going through a divorce. Now that a little time has passed, I have had a chance to really think about what happened. Initially, I was just angry and could not see it clearly. I was simply angry with my wife and blaming this loss on her actions. I know that's not the case. I am responsible for the rift in our relationship. I did not give her the attention and love that she deserved. I forgot my promises to her as a Husband and I let her down.
My struggle with anxiety goes back longer than I like to admit. I suffered with it for years before doing anything about it. I was unsure of what was happening to me, and didn't know who to talk to about it or even what to say. I thought people would think I was crazy and part of me was scared that I would find out that it really is something serious such as a heart problem (since much of the symptoms manifest in the chest.) So I kept it inside until it blew up into full-scale debilitating panic attacks. And even then I was reluctant to seek proper help. I was afraid nobody would understand. It affected my career, my family relationships, my personal life, and my marriage.
My wife was understanding. EXTREMELY supportive actually. I was grateful every single day for having her there to help me. But to be honest, I was afraid for a long time that she would leave over it. But she didn't. I don't think she could leave me in need like that. She is too kind hearted. So she stuck with me, despite being unhappy herself, and when I seemed to be getting better and she felt I would be OK without her, she left. I understand now how I was responsible for pushing her away. I let myself get wrapped up and overwhelmed with life and I wasn't able to be there for her the way a good husband should be.
I didn't intend to rant so long on that subject, but it's important and setting up my point. Do not wait to get help. It could be too late by the time that you actually do. Your life can suffer in a lot of ways from putting it off and not dealing with it. People lose jobs, lose friends, ruin their relationships, and sometimes lose themselves. There are tons of resources out there and people will understand much more than you think. So talk to someone you can trust. It's actually an increasingly common problem. Here is a list of some celebrities who have dealt with anxiety disorders.
Reading through my blog, I hope you will find some help. Also the blogs I have links to are ones that have helped me a lot. Read a Life Less Anxious, it has tons of good tips for mental well being that can be applied to anxiety disorders as well as any other tough situations you may face in life. Take it with a grain of salt though. It advises heavily against medication. Medication won't cure you on it's own, you have to apply changes to the way you think as well, but it has helped me. Consult a doctor. You don't have to see a specialist or anything so it doesn't have to cost a lot. As I said, it's a common enough problem that your general family doctor should be able to help you with it.
Best of luck and don't hesitate to reach out if you need support!
My struggle with anxiety goes back longer than I like to admit. I suffered with it for years before doing anything about it. I was unsure of what was happening to me, and didn't know who to talk to about it or even what to say. I thought people would think I was crazy and part of me was scared that I would find out that it really is something serious such as a heart problem (since much of the symptoms manifest in the chest.) So I kept it inside until it blew up into full-scale debilitating panic attacks. And even then I was reluctant to seek proper help. I was afraid nobody would understand. It affected my career, my family relationships, my personal life, and my marriage.
My wife was understanding. EXTREMELY supportive actually. I was grateful every single day for having her there to help me. But to be honest, I was afraid for a long time that she would leave over it. But she didn't. I don't think she could leave me in need like that. She is too kind hearted. So she stuck with me, despite being unhappy herself, and when I seemed to be getting better and she felt I would be OK without her, she left. I understand now how I was responsible for pushing her away. I let myself get wrapped up and overwhelmed with life and I wasn't able to be there for her the way a good husband should be.
I didn't intend to rant so long on that subject, but it's important and setting up my point. Do not wait to get help. It could be too late by the time that you actually do. Your life can suffer in a lot of ways from putting it off and not dealing with it. People lose jobs, lose friends, ruin their relationships, and sometimes lose themselves. There are tons of resources out there and people will understand much more than you think. So talk to someone you can trust. It's actually an increasingly common problem. Here is a list of some celebrities who have dealt with anxiety disorders.
Reading through my blog, I hope you will find some help. Also the blogs I have links to are ones that have helped me a lot. Read a Life Less Anxious, it has tons of good tips for mental well being that can be applied to anxiety disorders as well as any other tough situations you may face in life. Take it with a grain of salt though. It advises heavily against medication. Medication won't cure you on it's own, you have to apply changes to the way you think as well, but it has helped me. Consult a doctor. You don't have to see a specialist or anything so it doesn't have to cost a lot. As I said, it's a common enough problem that your general family doctor should be able to help you with it.
Best of luck and don't hesitate to reach out if you need support!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Make Your Own Good News
When you wake up in the morning you have the ability to decide if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I had a boss once who said "Whether you think today is going to be a good day or a bad day, you're probably right." This quote has stuck with me through the years and helped me through some difficult days. It's very true. A sad person simply isn't going to become happy while they are already predicting sadness. So if you wake up and say "oh great. I have to go to work today and it's going to be awful!" it probably is going to be awful.
But why? You didn't know you had psychic powers to predict the outcome of your day. If you did you'd be using it more effectively! Well, it's not anything like that. People react to negative energy with negative energy and react to positive energy with positive energy. If you tell yourself it's going to be a bad day, you go into your day already with a frown and putting off other negative vibes that the people around you can pick up. The things you say will sound glum, your body language will give you away and people will react accordingly. Think about it. If someone is passing you in a hallway and they are smiling, are you more inclined to say hello to them than if they were frowning? Certainly. The people who may have a chance to help you be happy will avoid you if you walk around acting gloomy. You will be so convinced that nothing good is going to happen today, that when the opportunity for something good comes your way, you won't even see it.
But making that mental shift isn't that easy, I know. If you're feeling this way to begin with, there is probably something serious going on in your life to cause it. Often these things lie in the past. The best way to deal with this is to just leave the problems of yesterday where they belong, yesterday. Focus on today. Just because yesterday was horrible doesn't mean good can't come from today.
If the issues do lie in the present day, you may need to ask yourself "what can I do to deal with this so that tomorrow can be better." Allow yourself a good cry if that's what you need, go and do something that you enjoy in order to take your mind off of what's hurting you. Don't dwell! You can't make yourself completely not think about your problems, but try and cut those thoughts off and replace them with positive thoughts. If you're down because someone has hurt you maybe you could try to think of the people in your life who love you instead. The negative thoughts creeping into your mind is something that's tough to control. But TRUST ME, YOU CAN STOP THEM! Whether or not these thoughts are expanded upon and perpetuated is within your control. This happened to me literally 10 seconds ago. I got a message on my phone that reminded of a very sad recent memory. The thought crept in. It dug down into my core almost instantly the way only true heartbreak can, but before that thought expanded from one mental statement into a whole paragraph or a book, I just shifted. I did not allow it to stay and here I am writing again instead of lying in bed wailing "WHY? WHY? into my pillow.
When you are depressed and down, idle time is the enemy. You absolutely have to keep busy in order to remain positive. Accomplishing things will make you feel good, while dwelling and feeling sorry for yourself will only make you feel worse.
I woke up today with the conviction that it was going to be a good day, and it is a good day. If I had decided that it was going to be a bad day, it surely would be.
"Think of all the good times, instead of wish we could times." Nick Hexum
But why? You didn't know you had psychic powers to predict the outcome of your day. If you did you'd be using it more effectively! Well, it's not anything like that. People react to negative energy with negative energy and react to positive energy with positive energy. If you tell yourself it's going to be a bad day, you go into your day already with a frown and putting off other negative vibes that the people around you can pick up. The things you say will sound glum, your body language will give you away and people will react accordingly. Think about it. If someone is passing you in a hallway and they are smiling, are you more inclined to say hello to them than if they were frowning? Certainly. The people who may have a chance to help you be happy will avoid you if you walk around acting gloomy. You will be so convinced that nothing good is going to happen today, that when the opportunity for something good comes your way, you won't even see it.
But making that mental shift isn't that easy, I know. If you're feeling this way to begin with, there is probably something serious going on in your life to cause it. Often these things lie in the past. The best way to deal with this is to just leave the problems of yesterday where they belong, yesterday. Focus on today. Just because yesterday was horrible doesn't mean good can't come from today.
If the issues do lie in the present day, you may need to ask yourself "what can I do to deal with this so that tomorrow can be better." Allow yourself a good cry if that's what you need, go and do something that you enjoy in order to take your mind off of what's hurting you. Don't dwell! You can't make yourself completely not think about your problems, but try and cut those thoughts off and replace them with positive thoughts. If you're down because someone has hurt you maybe you could try to think of the people in your life who love you instead. The negative thoughts creeping into your mind is something that's tough to control. But TRUST ME, YOU CAN STOP THEM! Whether or not these thoughts are expanded upon and perpetuated is within your control. This happened to me literally 10 seconds ago. I got a message on my phone that reminded of a very sad recent memory. The thought crept in. It dug down into my core almost instantly the way only true heartbreak can, but before that thought expanded from one mental statement into a whole paragraph or a book, I just shifted. I did not allow it to stay and here I am writing again instead of lying in bed wailing "WHY? WHY? into my pillow.
When you are depressed and down, idle time is the enemy. You absolutely have to keep busy in order to remain positive. Accomplishing things will make you feel good, while dwelling and feeling sorry for yourself will only make you feel worse.
I woke up today with the conviction that it was going to be a good day, and it is a good day. If I had decided that it was going to be a bad day, it surely would be.
"Think of all the good times, instead of wish we could times." Nick Hexum
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